Besides writing in here I’ve been keeping a short diary. It started with the purpose of discovering myself and then it changed into a one-way communication moment, before, finally, returning to its first purpose. So what I’ve been learning through it this far?
For instance, I classified each day with a “yes” or “no” in order to understand my relation with what happens around me. A “yes” day means that the way I feel hasn’t been negatively affected by facts around me. On the contrary, a “no” day means something bothered me enough to change my mood.
Over a period of 8 months I only noted two or three “no” days. I guess this particular part of the experience has reached an end and demanded a conclusion. As I don’t perceive myself as stridently optimistic or pessimistic, I had to conclude that most hazards and unpleasant circumstances couldn’t disturb me.
It’s not that I am emotionally detached from what is happening around me, but the reality shows that my basic mood doesn’t change easily. A part of me thinks “This is sad”, but that’s all. I don’t let unpleasant facts ruin my days. I sincerely hope this is not pure indifference. Being indifferent doesn’t sound flattering.
My few “no” days corresponded to situations where I could not control my feelings or when unexpected reactions of others caught me by surprise. Those days were negative just because I stopped being sure of what to do next.
The fact that I reported the huge majority of my days as positive that doesn’t mean I’ve been laughing till doubling up. I could perceive a deep, contrasting sadness lurking beneath the smoothness of my life. So I stopped to wonder about the source of that sadness and, over and over, boredom has been the explanation standing out.
I guess I like the idea of being impermeable against unpleasantness, mainly because at the same time I regard myself as someone with strong feelings and emotions. I do have to work this boredom symptom that seems to be afflicting me for most of my life. One cannot live amazing adventures every single day. Sometimes we have to go to school… Sometimes we have stay home… Sometimes we have to face the real world… It’s just a question of finding new interests to keep us busy and reasonably happy.
As I’m still curious, I’ll keep writing and measuring my reactions towards a few other aspects. Meantime, I wonder if knowing about oneself is not a never-ending job…