Last night I slept the most restful sleep in a very long time. The previous day I had to stand out against a couple of things. In the process I faced some rough weather, but the result is worthy. This afternoon I’ll sit somewhere and tear a few pages still linking me to what I once believed to have some meaning. It’s nothing, after all. No past, no present, no future. Finally, I understood how insignificant can be meeting someone through the internet. If it’s supposed to mean something, it will mean something very fast whatever the conditions are. I had a sort of internet “relationship” for 3 years or so, before discovering that he was only a common stalker with vicious skills. With the clear notion of the insignificance of that past relationship (it’s quite pretentious of me to call it that), I lost all interest in that stalker and his fate.
I met someone in real life. To be more precise, I met someone I already knew. This was so unexpected that my first reaction was getting sick. I had to go through a full month of nervous gastritis treatment before I even considered the possibility of meeting someone so incredibly fast.
He belonged to my past. One day, just like I had done to someone I once loved very dearly, I faced him and said no. The reason I said no had nothing to do with him, but with the fact that I didn’t know what I wanted by then. My life was a permanent fight with Paul, better say between the real Paul and the Paul I wanted him to be. Because I couldn’t accept that people never change, I kept this fight alive for more than 30 years. Anyway, this is not about Paul.
My first boyfriend was that sort of boyfriend we never forget. For a very long time I thought I could never forget him because I cut our relationship short. Unfairness is not my cup of tea. My inability to forget him has been a sort of fatal revenge. More recently, I thought I had a thing for kissers… and what a kisser he was!
But I’ve been observing this new boyfriend and finding so many common aspects with my first boyfriend that I am amazed how imperceptive I was about my own needs and preferences up to now. There is a sort of things I like about my two former boyfriends, one of them my present boyfriend (the good looking guy pictured above). In no particular order:
. unequivocal feelings
. bold attitudes towards an involvement with someone they like
. good kissers
. highly sensual
. highly emotional
. artistic sense, despite being technical professionals
. knowing how to treat a woman right
. good nature
. good social skills
Somehow the above qualities match my own:
. ambiguous feelings
. rational approaches
. good kisser
. highly sensual
. highly intuitive
. artistic sense above everything
. reasonably appreciative
. trying to treat a man right
. given to mood swings
. social ups and downs
I am so inclined to open my arms to this man as I am inclined to say no. The reason of my doubts is the sense that I don’t need someone to feel happy about myself and my life. I am afraid of losing that selfish happiness that is so dear to me and to my peace of mind. And even though I still feel lost, my mind is already playing with the tempting idea of being happy for the rest of my life.