I am alive and decided to find love. The beat of my heart, the blood circulating in a perfect cadence, the deep light in my eyes… In spite of that, I am surprised with the irony of life. Instead of loving and caring people, I only step into icy creatures, deprived of any feelings, except for themselves. I hardly know one of them. I saw her only once and I believed she was a missionary or similar. Better say, outside she seemed to be a missionary, but her face was far from nice. She looked cold and her coldness must have shaped the man she lived with for more than twenty years.
I wasn’t surprised when he decided to leave her and, sincerely, believed he was quite different. But it’s 3 months now that I’ve been suspecting that he is cold and egocentric. He is all smiles for friends and outsiders, but the truth about him is pretty scaring. He told me he was like he was, meaning: “cold and distant”.
Last Sunday he decided to do whatever he intended to do, ignoring my suggestion to do something sensibly better for everyone involved in the plans. He sat in a chair and said: “You know what? I admit, I am selfish.” And he left.
I’ve been accusing him of lack of feelings, enthusiasm and romanticism. I doubt (and he said so) that he is going to change. I believe people can be influenced and change, with lots of time and patience. Despite his and my conviction that he will never change, I wrote about teaching him to be a decent lover. He will never get the full attention of a woman with what he is capable of investing in a relationship.
It can be that he is stressed with a health problem. Anyway, my eldest son was pretty clear: “Fuck his illness. His illness cannot be an excuse for what he does, namely making you feel miserable.”
One morning, the youngest of this house, a five years old boy, went for a stroll and retuned with some flowers from a nearby garden. He hugged my knees and offered the flowers. His gesture was spontaneous and happened in front of him. I saw the shame in his face. When we love someone, that love shows in words, gestures and everything that we do. If a small child knows how to do it, how can I accept or understand the contrary from an adult supposed to love me?