Feelings have different ranges, qualities and nuances. We say or hear “I love you” and tremble only with the sound of it. Yet, the real mean and reach of such words can only be truly appreciated with time. It’s kind of strange that material elements play a role in the judgment of such a non material area… The idea isn’t mine. Andre Malraux said it first and I think he is right: “Un homme n’est pas ce qu’il cache. Un homme est ce qu’il fait, car, au fond de nos âmes, nous sommes tous un peu les mêmes.”
There’s a man I don’t trust. He hurts me without a second thought. Nevertheless, his actions and even his silence tell me about deep feelings or at least his willingness and predisposition to deep feelings. And there’s a man I trust with all my heart, whose feelings are not of the right quality and consistency. I’ve been thinking, over and over, about this sentimental conundrum. Probably it’s nothing for the humanity, but it’s life and death for me.
I am always inclined to pick trust. I’ve done it before and know what it represents in terms of acceptance, limitations and disappointments. It’s a life commitment I am talking about. If I am inclined to repeat history, as I believe I am, I need time to accept that I am not supposed to expect quality feelings from the other side. He has feelings, indeed, but they don’t match the quality pattern I seek and they suffer from ups and downs. This has to enter in my stubborn head. I have to skip expectations, dreams, disappointments, furies and preconceived ideas about what love and feelings are or should be. I have to live without bitterness and resentments. He may think he loves me, but in my mind I have to believe the contrary to avoid d-i-s-a-p-p-o-i-n-t-m-e-n-t and r-u-p-t-u-r-e.
The result is not pretty. When he says “my love”, I have to think “empty words”. When he says “I love you”, I have to remember “he doesn’t even know what love is”. I recognize it sounds insensible and arrogant, since people love differently. I shall have to be or pretend to be happy with the sort of love we have, so that we can live happily ever after. It’s sad. It’s realistic. It’s the way the majority live. I’ll be just one in the madding crowd, living a tangible dream.
My quote: Love is the purest feeling. A cold, realistic, self-centered mind will never be able to experience love the way I believe love should be: pure, profound and focused (pinpointed, to be 3 Ps).