Where I Say No

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My public “no” has many reasons. It seems, at this moment, a lot more convincing than all the private ones you wouldn’t pay attention. Another reason is the fact that it’s written and sounds more formal and definitive.

Yes, I am alone and intend to be alone until I find the right person. I am not looking for adventures. I want someone nice and real. You are not nice. You are not real.

I am not crossed with you and I feel sorry to realize that you probably are. I could perfectly visit you, but I don’t plan to do it. However, I think you deserve an explanation. It’s been almost ten years that I know you, without knowing you. The question is that the evident part I know about you is not attractive to me. I know, because you said so, that you like to be in control. I don’t like to be controlled. I like to be treated equally and nicely. This is not negotiable.

It’s not easy to be alone. If you don’t know the reasons, I can tell you about them: up to now I’ve been alone because I wasn’t treated nicely. The next few months I’ll be alone because I want to be treated equally. It was a pretty difficult choice. I took it, anyway.

The man who wasn’t nice and fair is usually very nice with me and other people. He just committed a mistake and thought I would forgive and forget, just like that. Even though his mistake was small, it hurt me enormously. I am alone because I despise a man that aims to hurt people, be it intentionally or unintentionally.

Now think how I would feel living with someone like you. We are talking “impossible”. You signed your sentence with two bad things that you have done. I know you have done many bad things to hurt me. What you don’t know is that I’ve been more attentive lately. I had to decide. And I decided.

As for the possibility of a short visit to “compare notes”, it’s not my type. It’s not what I am looking for. That’s why I say “no”. There’s a sort of closeness that we established with time. I don’t call it love or friendship. I thought it was love, but I cannot love someone like you. Let’s just stay close, when we feel like so. No meanness. No control.

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